Pause Before You Please: How to Say Yes on Your Terms

When was the last time you found yourself saying “Yes” before you've even finished hearing the request... only to regret it later?

Many trauma survivors have mastered being the "Happy Helper" — always available, always agreeable — not realizing that their automatic Yes isn't just a habit, but a survival response.

In this episode, I introduce you to the Power Pause, your new secret weapon for making thoughtful choices instead of automatic responses.

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU’LL LEARN:

• Why creating even a brief pause can help you step out of survival mode and make empowering choices
• The three simple steps of the Power Pause technique that you can use in any situation
• How to practice using this technique in a way that feels manageable and builds your confidence

If you're ready to stop drowning in commitments and start saying "Yes" on your own terms, this episode will give you a practical tool you can start using today.

When you finish listening, I'd love to hear your biggest takeaway from today’s episode. Take a screenshot of you listening on your device, share it to your Instagram stories, and tag me, @dranniecampanile!

While you’re there, make sure you follow me on Instagram so you can see behind the scenes how I help trauma survivors heal and thrive and discover how you can, too.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Do you find yourself agreeing to things before you've even finished hearing the request? Only to regret it later? I'm Dr. Annie Campanile, trauma survivor and professional coach, and in today's episode, I'll share a simple yet powerful phrase that will help you say yes on your own terms without harming your relationships.

Welcome to Heal Your Trauma. Find Your Voice, the podcast for trauma survivors ready to break free from people pleasing and self doubt. I'm Dr. Annie Campanile, here to help you trust your intuition, communicate clearly, and build relationships that fulfill you. Each week, you'll learn practical tips to heal past wounds and turn surviving into thriving.

Welcome back to episode five. Last week, we explored how to recognize our automatic yes response and connect with our bodies to notice what we really want. This week, we're building on that foundation with a practical strategy to create space between hearing a request and saying yes or [00:01:00] no. The habit of automatically saying yes can seem almost impossible to break, especially when we fear disappointing others or losing a relationship.

But as I learned in my own healing journey, creating even a brief pause allows us to step out of survival mode and reclaim our ability to make intentional, empowering choices. I remember the day I first considered the possibility that I could stop responding immediately when my then husband wanted me to do something for him.

I was sitting in a therapy session describing how overbearing I felt my husband was. His name was Wes, and he was a very charismatic man with a huge personality which I loved. He also struggled with alcohol abuse, and his moods swung unpredictably between enthusiastic joy. and soul sucking despair.

Because I cared deeply about Wes and was heavily invested in trying to manage his alcohol use, I found myself responding to his every need or desire as quickly as possible, hoping that [00:02:00] my attention and care would somehow heal his addiction. As you might have guessed, that didn't work. All it did was teach Wes to look to me to fulfill his every wish, which left me walking on eggshells, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

That day in my counselor's office, after I had complained about Wes's rapid fire requests, my counselor asked me a simple question that changed everything. She said, Annie, what would happen if you took three breaths instead of answering Wes's requests right away? My immediate response was physical. My throat tightened, my breathing stopped, and I felt a wave of anxiety wash over me.

Thought of pausing, of not immediately giving Wes what he wanted felt terrifying. My mind raced with imaginary scenes of Wes reacting by drinking or cheating on me, again. I don't think I said anything to my counselor in that moment, I had gone into freeze mode. But I did listen to her, and I heard her [00:03:00] say, Annie, it is okay for you to take a moment to think before responding to Wes.

You don't have to say yes right away, or at all, to anyone. I was 34 at the time, and that was the first time anyone had ever said that to me. With my counselor's help, I began practicing what I now call the Power Pause. Unlike last week's Truth Check, which we practiced in private, the Power Pause is something we use in real time, during interactions with others when they make a request of us.

Here's how it works. When someone makes a request, instead of giving your answer immediately, do this. First, take one slow full breath. Then, feel your feet firmly placed on the floor. You might even wiggle your toes or, if you're standing, rock forward and backward so you can really feel your feet connect to the floor.

And third, say these words, [00:04:00] let me think about it and get back to you. That's it. You don't need to make a decision in that moment. You don't need to explain yourself. You don't need to even figure out what you want or you don't want. You're simply creating space between the request and your response. Let me think about it and get back to you.

It's so simple, but honestly, when I first heard that from my counselor, I could not imagine saying it. I felt so uncomfortable, but I decided to give it a try. Let me share a story about my client. Let's call her Lisa. To illustrate this further, Lisa is a kindergarten teacher and mother of two who came to me for coaching because she wanted to learn how to stop saying yes to everything.

Lisa had mastered what she called her happy helper persona. Always available, always agreeable, always putting others first. But underneath her cheerful exterior, she was exhausted and irritable. [00:05:00] She told me the breaking point had come during her 10 year old son's baseball season. She said, I was already team mom for my daughter's soccer team and helping my sister plan her wedding.

When another mom asked if I could take over snack duty for baseball too, my mouth said, of course. Before my brain could even process the request. That night, I found myself standing in my kitchen, surrounded by snacks for two different teams, wondering how I'd lost the ability to say anything but yes.

Lisa's story illuminates something crucial about the automatic yes. It's not just a habit. It's a survival response. For many trauma survivors, saying

yes became a way to stay safe, maintain connection with others, and prove our worth. Our nervous system learned that pausing to consider our own needs was dangerous. For more information visit www. FEMA. gov But here's the fascinating part. Even as her mouth was saying yes, her body was sending clear signals that this was too much.

Her shoulders [00:06:00] were tense, her stomach was in knots, her breath became shallow. These physical signs were trying to create the pause her nervous system had been trained to skip. I'd like to invite you to experiment with the power pause this week. Choose one specific type of request to practice with. Maybe it's requests for help at your children's school, extra projects at work, or social invitations.

Whatever feels manageable to you. When these requests come up, practice using these exact words. Let me think about it and get back to you. You can even start by saying this out loud when you're alone. Notice how it feels in your body to say these words and create this pause. Does it bring anxiety? Relief?

Something else? To help you remember to try the power pause, you might add a note to your phone or set it as your lock screen for the week. Remember, this isn't about saying no to everything. It's about creating space so you can [00:07:00] make thoughtful choices rather than automatic responses. As Lisa and I discovered, this small pause can be the difference between drowning in commitments and regaining control of your time and your energy.

If you're ready to take the next step in communicating confidently without fear of judgment, rejection, or letting others down, download my Trauma Survivors Empowerment Guide. You'll find a link in today's show notes. Next week, we'll explore how understanding your trust pattern is the first step toward building fulfilling relationships.

Until then, I'm Dr. Annie Campanile reminding you that healing is possible and you don't have to do it alone. See you next time.