Understanding Your Trust Pattern: The First Step to Authentic Connection

Have you ever promised yourself you wouldn’t trust the "wrong" person again, only to be blindsided when they broke your trust—or walked away? 

Many trauma survivors follow patterns when deciding whether or not someone is trustworthy, not realizing that their perception might be shaped by past wounds rather than present reality.

In this episode, I introduce the three trust patterns that shape all relationships - your key to building authentic connection.

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU WILL LEARN:

• How to recognize if you’re holding on too tightly or pushing people away without realizing it
• The hidden impact of trauma on your ability to trust others (and yourself!)
• How to begin shifting toward trust that builds healthy, fulfilling relationships (at home and at work)

If you're ready to stop repeating painful relationship patterns and start building trust that feels safe and mutual, this episode will give you the clarity and tools to begin. 

00:00 Introduction: Understanding Trust Patterns

01:33 Velcro Trust: Holding On Too Tightly

04:33 Cactus Trust: Keeping People at a Distance

08:55 Kindred Trust: Building Genuine Connections

12:09 Reflection Activity: Discover Your Trust Pattern

13:52 Conclusion: Healing and Moving Forward

Transcript

[00:00:00] Have you ever promised yourself you wouldn't trust the wrong person again, only to be blindsided when a partner broke your trust or walked away, or do you avoid trusting anyone? Declining their calls and invitations only to wonder why you feel so alone. I'm Dr. Annie Campanile, trauma survivor and professional coach.

And in this episode of heal your trauma, find your voice. We are exploring the subconscious trust patterns that shape our relationships and how understanding them can help you create stronger, happier connections.  

Welcome back to episode six. Today, we're [00:01:00] diving into a topic that lies at the heart of every relationship. Before we even say Hello to another person, our survival brain does a quick survey to determine whether or not they can be trusted. Maybe you keep your guard up when people want to get close to you, or you trust so quickly that you're surprised when people let you down.

Today, we'll uncover the trust patterns behind these habits, and I'll help you begin to recognize which patterns shape your relationships, so you can stop repeating painful cycles and start building trust that feels safe and mutual.

Let's explore the first of our three trust patterns. Velcro trust. Velcro Trust is about holding on tightly, no matter how other people behave.

At first, the connection feels exciting, reassuring, even safe. Almost like you have finally found someone who really gets you. Because the intimacy develops so quickly though, it's easy to miss signs that the other person may not feel the same way, or might not [00:02:00] be as invested in the relationship as you are.

In the beginning, it can seem like this relationship will finally be the one. But, when the other person doesn't return the same level of closeness, stops returning texts right away, or pulls away completely, it can feel devastating. Like you've lost something significant, even if the relationship was still new. To cope, you might find yourself looking to the other person for reassurance, texting even more often, asking them what you did wrong, and even getting angry at them for not responding quickly.

Velcro trust can affect the way we approach our physical connections too. For a long time, that was true for me. Growing up, I always wanted more cuddles and longer hugs than my parents wanted to share. And, until I was in my teens, I slept with a baby blanket my grandmother had made for me because the physical connection made me feel safe and loved.

Even in college, I remember visiting my mom and carefully trying to extend our hugs, hoping [00:03:00] she wouldn't pull away too soon. For people with Velcro trust, even the smallest moments - like the length of a hug - can seem deeply significant, and we can misinterpret people's behavior, the way I misinterpreted my mom's shorter hugs as rejection.

Here are five signs that Velcro trust might be your trust pattern. 1. You dive head-first into relationships, feeling an instant connection and sharing personal details early on. 2. You ignore clear signs that the other person isn't going to treat you well, focusing on what you hope the relationship will become rather than what it actually is.

3. You feel deeply hurt when someone pulls away, even if the relationship was still new. 4. You pour your energy into making a relationship work, hoping it will fill an emotional void, but end up feeling abandoned or disappointed when it ends. And 5. You frequently seek reassurance, checking for [00:04:00] texts, rereading past messages, or worrying about whether you did something wrong. 

If you recognize Velcro trust in yourself or someone you love, be sure to tune into our next episode, when we'll take a deeper look at this trust pattern. We'll explore where it comes from, how it impacts relationships, and what steps you can take to shift toward more fulfilling relationships. 

For now, remember that Velcro Trust develops as a way to help us feel loved. It's not bad, but it can create unintended barriers to authentic connection. The same is true of our next trust pattern, Cactus Trust.

Like Velcro Trust, Cactus Trust forms as a way to protect ourselves. But instead of holding on too tightly, Cactus Trust keeps people at a distance, because closeness is seen as risky or even unnecessary. 

As you might have guessed, Cactus Trust gets its name because, like a cactus, you protect yourself by not letting others get too close. And, just like a cactus stores water to [00:05:00] survive harsh conditions, people with Cactus Trust are really good at relying on themselves, since they believe they can't, or shouldn't, depend on others.

While this independence feels protective, it often creates a painful cycle where you push people away to avoid being hurt, only to feel lonely and misunderstood when they stay at a distance. I know this trust pattern well, because I've used it too.

Even though I relied on Velcro trust for most of my childhood, my painful first marriage and divorce taught me that my openness could be taken advantage of. So, by the time I entered graduate school, I had fully shifted to Cactus Trust. I engaged with people warmly, but superficially, convinced that I was protecting myself from harm when I was actually harming myself.

I was across the country from home, struggling to adapt to the formal culture of an Ivy League school, and I only shared positive updates with my friends and family. I hid my loneliness and uncertainty from them, because I believed they would pull away if [00:06:00] I revealed my needs, or what I saw as my weakness.

Back then, there was no texting or social media, so phone calls were the only way to connect “live.” My friends were busy with their babies, and our lives were in completely different phases. I really missed talking with my friends, and I wished they would call me. But I never told them that. 

One afternoon toward the end of my first year of graduate school, I sat on a picnic table outside my apartment, with my head in my arms and tears sliding down my cheeks.

My chest ached with frustration as I angrily asked myself, “Why don't my friends call me? Don't they know how lonely I am? Don't they know how hard it is for me to be here?” And then it hit me. I answered myself, “Of course they don't know that. How could they when you always tell them you're fine?” Sitting there in the sunshine, I finally understood that my friends weren't neglecting me. They just didn't know I needed them. 

And how [00:07:00] could they, when I never let them see the vulnerable side of me? That was the moment I realized that if I wanted real connection, I had to start being honest about how I really felt. Even if that meant risking the possibility that my friends might not respond the way I wanted them to.

Maybe you’ve faced a similar situation. If you're wondering whether cactus trust is your trust pattern, here are two signs to look for. 1. Instead of asking for help, you tell yourself, “I need to figure this out on my own,” and, “I'd rather do it myself than risk being let down.” 2. When conversations become too intimate, you change the subject or make a joke to avoid feeling vulnerable or exposed.

Cactus trust doesn't always show up in obvious ways, though. Sometimes, it's as simple as avoiding a text. See if this sounds familiar. You get a text from a close friend inviting you out, but after a long day, all you want to do is curl up with your dog on the couch and binge your [00:08:00] favorite show. You hesitate to say no to your friend, because you don't want to deal with the guilt or the possibility of your friend trying to change your mind.

Instead, you leave the text unanswered, telling yourself you'll respond later. Days pass, and you keep meaning to text your friend, but the longer you wait, the more awkward it feels. You start worrying that your friend might be annoyed or hurt, so instead of reaching out, you avoid them all together.

Eventually, the invitations stop coming, and you find yourself alone, wondering why no one reaches out anymore. If this sounds like you, don't worry. You're not alone. In episode 8, we'll take a deeper look at Cactus Trust, where it comes from, and how it shapes our relationships. And most importantly, I'll guide you through the first steps of shifting toward a trust pattern that feels safer and more fulfilling, something I call Kindred Trust.

I love this trust pattern because it just feels so good. We could have [00:09:00] called this one Authentic Trust or Empowered Trust, but we chose Kindred Trust because that name is extra special, like a kindred spirit. Kindred Trust is the kind of trust where both people feel safe to be themselves without fear of judgment, rejection, or disappointment.

There's no need for constant proof or protection, because the relationship is built on genuine understanding, mutual care, and emotional safety. Imagine walking into a room and feeling completely at home. You don't have to second guess your words, prove your worth, or wonder where you stand. Kind of like when you're hanging out with your pet.

That's what Kindred Trust feels like. With Kindred Trust, you don't have to hold on too tightly and manage the other person's emotions, like you do with Velcro Trust. Or constantly protect yourself from getting too close, like we do with Cactus Trust. You simply know that you are valued and respected through the other person's actions, their words, and their body language, [00:10:00] and just as importantly, they know the same is true of them.

Here's what kindred trust looks like in action. You don't panic if a friend takes a while to text you back. You trust that your friend cares about you and they'll get back to you when they can. You're able to say, “That hurt my feelings,” without worrying that the other person will shut down or get angry.  

You trust that they'll listen to you and care. And if someone you care about is upset, you don't automatically blame yourself or take responsibility for fixing it. You offer support, but you don't make their happiness your job. When you have kindred trust, you feel secure in relationships.

Not because people never disappoint you, but because you trust yourself to navigate challenges as they come. And you trust the other person to stay engaged during difficult times, rather than walking away or placing unreasonable demands on you. 

But kindred trust isn't just about feeling secure. [00:11:00] It's about creating relationships where both people can be themselves. Fully. No one has to hide their true feelings, ideas, or opinions, and they don't have to pretend or change in order to make the other person feel comfortable.

It's the foundation of deeply fulfilling relationships, the kind that many trauma survivors, including myself, never thought were possible. If this sounds too good to be true, or seems out of reach, be sure to tune in to Episode 9, when my husband and fellow trauma survivor, Christopher, will join me for a conversation about how we cultivate kindred trust in our marriage.

When we met, Christopher and I were still grieving the losses of our spouses, and although we had healed significantly, we still relied on cactus trust and Velcro trust to keep ourselves safe. But with time and careful intention, we have developed a relationship in which each of us feels comfortable being our full, creative, highly sensitive selves.

In episode 9, we'll tell you how we nurture [00:12:00] kindred trust, and we'll guide you toward developing it in your own relationships, both at home and at work. 

That's all coming at the end of this little series on trust. For now, I've got a reflection activity that will help you become more familiar with your own trust pattern. 

During the next few days, take some time to ask yourself the following three questions and write down your answers. See if you can take on an attitude of curiosity and suspend any self-judgment that might arise.

Question number one. How do I typically respond when someone I have just met asks me a personal question? Am I eager to share all the intimate details of my life? Do I change the subject to avoid sharing anything personal? Do I answer the question thoughtfully and then ask a question in return? Remember, no judgment, just ask yourself, how do I typically respond when someone I've just met asks me a personal question?

Question number two, what emotions come up [00:13:00] for me when I imagine trusting other people? And question number three, how does my body respond when I imagine trusting people? Is my body relaxed when I think about trusting others, or do muscles get tight? Do I feel like running away or getting ready to fight?

See how many body sensations you can notice when you imagine trusting other people. Remember, there are no wrong or bad answers to these questions. They are simply a tool for becoming familiar with your current habits when it comes to trusting others. We'll add even more clarity as we continue with this four episode series on trust.

Be sure to subscribe and follow the show because in the next three episodes, I'll help you get really clear about your trust pattern and learn how to cultivate kindred trust so you can build relationships that help you live life with more freedom and happiness. Thanks for spending this time with me today.

If this episode intrigued you, please share it with a friend who would enjoy it. And if you're loving the podcast, [00:14:00] take a moment to leave a review. It helps more people find the show. And it really makes my day! Next week, we'll take a closer look at Velcro trust, so you can recognize when you're holding on too tightly, understand why it happens and learn how to give people space without feeling rejected or unsafe. 

Until then, I'm Dr. Annie Campanile, reminding you that healing is possible and you don't have to do it alone. See you next week.