Cactus Trust: When Self-Reliance Makes You Lonely

Self-Reliance Feels Safe—But Is It Keeping You Lonely?

You pride yourself on being independent. You don’t need anyone. But if you’re honest, there are moments when self-reliance feels more like loneliness than strength.

That’s Cactus Trust—a trust pattern where keeping people at a distance feels safer than letting them in. It’s why you struggle to ask for help, shut down emotional conversations, and secretly wonder why connection feels so hard.

In this episode, we’re unpacking:

👉 Why trust issues aren’t just about trust—they’re about survival.
👉 How childhood experiences shape your ability to trust.
👉 The 5 hidden ways you might be pushing people away—without realizing it.
👉 What to do if vulnerability makes you anxious (but you still crave connection).

00:00 Introduction to Cactus Trust

01:21 Understanding Cactus Trust

03:18 Tom's Story: A Case Study

06:41 Origins of Cactus Trust

08:35 Recognizing Cactus Trust in Yourself and Others

10:29 Reflection Activity and Next Steps

12:10 Conclusion and Upcoming Episode

So if you’re tired of feeling like relationships require too much or that you have to choose between independence and intimacy—and you’re ready to build trust in a way that feels safe, mutual, and natural—hit play. Let’s dive in.

Transcript

EPISODE 8 Cactus Trust: When Self-Reliance Keeps You Lonely

[00:00:00] Are you a person who finds it hard to rely on others, even when you want to? Do you ever feel drained by emotional conversations and find yourself pulling away, even though you care deeply about the people in your life? I'm Dr. Annie Campanile, trauma survivor and professional coach, and in this episode of Heal Your Trauma, Find Your Voice, we're unpacking a pattern I call cactus trust, where independence keeps people at an arm's length.

We'll explore where it comes from, how it affects relationships, and how you can start building trust in a way that feels natural and safe. So you can enjoy meaningful connections without feeling smothered.  [00:01:00] 

Welcome back to episode eight. Last week, we explored Velcro trust. When we worry about saying or doing the wrong thing, take responsibility when others aren't happy, and stay in relationships even when other people repeatedly hurt us. Today, we're shifting gears and exploring the opposite pattern, what I call cactus trust.

This is when we keep our true feelings to ourselves, even when we're struggling, and we rely on ourselves, even when others offer to help. Remember, a trust pattern is the way we decide whether someone is safe, reliable, or a person we can share our true thoughts and feelings with.

These patterns begin to develop during our earliest experiences, and because we've practiced them for so long, they can seem like undeniable truths, rather than behaviors we've learned over time. 

Let's take a closer look at cactus trust so you can recognize whether or not it's affecting your relationships. 

The name Cactus Trust comes from the way a cactus survives in the desert. Self [00:02:00] sufficient with its own water supply, with beautiful flowers that attract helpful partners like bees, and protected by sharp spines that keep predators away.

Cactus Trust works in much the same way. It's a pattern where independence feels safer to us than vulnerability does, and we put up emotional barriers to keep people at a comfortable distance. 

Cactus Trust can look like this: Solving problems on your own, rather than asking for help, even when you're overwhelmed. Changing the subject or cracking a joke when someone tries to discuss emotions or personal struggles. Getting irritated when someone offers to help you or points out that you seem stressed. Ghosting romantic partners and quitting jobs instead of having tough conversations or asking for what you need. And snapping at people when they question your authority. 

Now, if you're tempted to judge yourself or someone else for these behaviors, it's helpful to remember [00:03:00] that Cactus Trust developed as a way to protect ourselves when we had no other options. It kept us safe and might've worked for a long time.

Now though, our cactus trust might be getting in the way of a promotion at work, a meaningful friendship, or a deeply fulfilling romantic relationship. When I met him, my client, let's call him Tom, was relying on cactus trust so much that it was about to cost him his dream job. Let me explain. 

I met Tom when I was leading a team development effort at the children's shelter where he worked. The shelter provided safety and compassionate care for children who had to be removed from their homes in order to keep them safe. Everyone at the shelter had experienced profound trauma. 

Emotions were high most of the time, and all of the staff members cared deeply about doing the right thing for the children. Although she didn't want to lose him, Tom's director was at her wit's end, wondering how she could improve the way Tom [00:04:00] behaved toward his co workers.

She explained that Tom had a special ability to help the children feel safe and comfortable. He was better at it than anyone else at the shelter. But when it came to his coworkers, Tom was irritable, unapproachable, and sometimes downright rude. The team even had a saying that it's Tom's way or the highway.

One of his co workers had recently said she would quit if something didn't change, because working with Tom was too stressful. And that's why the director had reached out to me. Something had to change, and she just wasn't sure how to change it.

After our conversation, the director explained to Tom that his behavior had to improve, and she offered to arrange a coaching session with me, which he accepted. During our session, Tom told me he really wanted to keep his job, and I asked Tom to describe how he was able to connect so quickly with the children who arrived at the shelter.

When he answered, Tom's shining eyes and open posture revealed [00:05:00] how much his work with the children mattered to him. But when I brought up Tom's co workers, his body language immediately changed. He slumped back into his chair and scowled at the floor. 

I started to tell Tom that, based on what I had observed in the workshops we had recently done, his co workers seemed to admire his ability to connect with the children. But Tom quickly cut me off, shaking his head, saying, Oh, no they don't. He looked me in the eye and confidently said, Trust me, I always know what people are thinking about me. I call it my spidey sense.

Seeing how strongly Tom believed what he was saying, I didn't try to contradict him. Instead, I paused for a moment, and then I asked him this question: When was the last time your Spidey Sense told you that you were completely loved and accepted, just as you are? 

Tom froze, stared at me for a moment with his eyes wide open, then released a heavy sigh and said quietly, Never. So, [00:06:00] I replied, maybe it's possible that your Spidey Sense is missing some information.

It's been taking care of you for all these years, pointing out signs of threat, and I'm sure there was a time in your life when that was really helpful. Now that keen awareness of threat isn't serving you as well, because it is seeing signs of threat that might not actually be there. Your survival brain is actually getting in the way, preventing you from building strong relationships with people like your coworkers.

Thankfully, this piqued Tom's interest, and I was able to help him understand why he had developed Cactus Trust, and to start to repair his relationships with his coworkers.

Let's look at where Cactus Trust comes from. Just like Velcro Trust, which we explored last week, Cactus Trust is shaped by our day to day experiences and early relationships. Here are three examples that might sound familiar. 

1. Growing up, were you discouraged from expressing emotions, especially sadness, [00:07:00] anger, or fear? 

2. Did caregivers criticize your sensitivity, tell you to get over it when you felt upset, or expect you to manage adult responsibilities even though you were a child?

And 3, did you feel like you always had to be ready to fight to protect yourself or someone else you cared about? 

If you learned early on that vulnerability led to suffering, your nervous system may have responded by keeping people at a distance in order to protect you from harm.

Tom realized that his childhood taught him to develop this pattern. He told me that his dad had been a stern, no nonsense man who had Tom working all day in the family garden, beginning at age three. He got angry when Tom cried, and he frequently criticized Tom's efforts, telling him he should have done more.

Tom described his mother as gentle, but sad. In an effort to avoid adding to his mother's suffering, Tom had learned not to talk about his feelings. So, on [00:08:00] one hand, Tom had a father who shamed him for expressing emotions, and on the other hand, he had a mother who was too emotionally fragile to defend or comfort him when he was upset.

It's no wonder that by the time he was a teenager, Tom had become very sensitive to criticism. He expected all people in authority to treat him badly, and he told himself, “I can't rely on anybody. I have to handle everything on my own.” 

Cactus Trust had become Tom's protection, and it served him very well when he was living in his parents home and didn't have control over his environment. 

Now that you've heard Tom's story, I want to help you see if Cactus Trust is playing a role in your life. 

Here are five signs that you might have cactus trust. One, you tell yourself things like, If I don't depend on anyone, I can't be let down. Two, you pride yourself on being self reliant, but you secretly feel lonely. Three, you get really anxious or [00:09:00] irritated when someone expresses positive emotions near you, especially if they're about you.

Four, you prefer solving problems on your own, even when help is available. And five, you get suspicious when someone expresses appreciation for you. 

And here are four signs of cactus trust in others. One, they avoid emotional conversations and prefer to keep things light with superficial topics or humor. Two, they keep busy with work or hobbies that they can do on their own.

Three, they seem distant or uninterested when you share personal stories about your own life. And four, they hesitate to accept help even when they're suffering. 

By keeping our relationships superficial, cactus trust can protect us from disappointment, but it can also lead to loneliness. If you recognize this pattern in yourself and you want to change it, you can.

Small intentional [00:10:00] shifts can help you build a sense of trust that feels comfortable. For example, to counteract his habit of thinking people were criticizing him, my client Tom decided to look for signs that his coworkers respected the way he communicated with the children at the shelter.

That first step led to Tom eventually trusting his coworkers and softening the way he spoke to them. Like Tom, you can start small and gradually build trust in a way that feels safe for you. It all starts with awareness.

This brings me to this week's reflection activity, which can help you notice how cactus trust might be showing up in your life. Even if your go to trust pattern is Velcro trust, you might find yourself using cactus trust in certain situations. 

Over the next few days, pay attention and see if any of these situations occurs. Does someone offer to help you? Does someone express appreciation for you? Or does someone invite you into a deep conversation about something that's important to them?

If any of those things [00:11:00] occur, see if you can pause and notice how you respond internally. Notice how your body responds. Do you feel tension in your body with tight muscles, anxious energy, or the urge to pull away? If so, just notice it. Later, you might jot it into a journal so that over time you'll start to see if this is a pattern for you. 

Also, notice how you respond to the other person. If someone offers help, appreciation, or a deeper conversation, do you brush it off? Do you deflect with humor? Do you change the subject? Again, whatever you notice, jot it down in your journal so that you can see if this is a pattern for you.

Seeing your patterns on paper can help you recognize them more quickly, making it easier to shift toward connection when you're ready. 

Cactus trust might be deeply ingrained, but small shifts can help you build security in partnership with others. Instead of relying on isolation or emotional distance. Changing our trust patterns is a process and you don't have to do it alone.[00:12:00] 

If you'd like support, coaching can be incredibly helpful. You'll find a link in today's show notes to learn more, or you can visit my website at Annie Campanile. com. 

Next week, we're talking about the trust pattern we've all been waiting for, Kindred Trust. And the episode's extra special because my husband, Chris, will be joining me.

When we met, Christopher and I had done years of healing after losing our spouses. We were independent, and we were open to love, but as our relationship deepened, old fears surfaced. 

At times, I leaned into cactus trust, keeping my guard up to maintain a sense of control. Christopher, on the other hand, had moments of velcro trust, seeking extra reassurance from me. In episode 9, we will share how we navigated those trust patterns, the key shifts that helped us build security together, and what we've learned about creating a relationship where we can be honest without fear, we can ask for what we need without guilt, and we can rely on each other without losing [00:13:00] ourselves. I can't wait to share that conversation with you

Until then, if this episode hit home for you, send me a DM on Instagram at Dr. Annie Campanile, so I can cheer you on. 

Thanks for joining me for another episode of Heal Your Trauma Find your voice. I'm Dr. Annie Campanile, reminding you that healing is possible and you don't have to do it alone. See you next week.